Monday, 12 May 2025 - The feedback story

Further to my last post, I got up Saturday feeling okay. Had a shower, decided to have a shave, and trimmed the moustache. Then I went for a haircut.

Looking and feeling much better, I left for the party. On the way I said my prayers, as I usually do, and asked God to still my mind, and control my anxiety and be with me.

First frustration was at the gates to the complex. I have access as a permanent visitor via an app, which decided to not work anymore. It took me nearly 20 minutes to get in, and only after asking Luciano to send me an invite.

Get to the clubhouse where the party is taking place, and I see I arrived at the same time as Tara, my daughter (in-law), and my grandkids! Great, she carries the baby, her dad carries the box of stuff, I walk with my two bigger grandchildren, holding their hands, one on either side, and I feel like a million bucks! 

We get to the table, and no one else is there. Now it's like 5 to 11, party starts at 11. Go figure. Eventually Giovanni arrives with his mother in tow. I'm calm, relaxed. No greetings exchanged. But all good. Then Luciano arrived with Tayla. And slowly the others invited. Not a lot of us, I think about 10 adults and my 3 grandchildren, and one other boy. We order drinks, stand / sit around chatting. At some point the ex is holding the baby, and something was irritating her, to I mention it to the ex, and she sorted it out. Yup, I spoke to her, and it was okay.

A little later, I had to aske her again to do something for the baby, and she did. No problem.

We ordered meals, all ate, had the sing song, ate cake, sat around chatting, etc. The ex was first to leave, don't know why, and she went around the table saying her goodbyes, and as she passed behind me the bumped my arm and said "Bye", and walked on. I said bye. And that was it.

My prayers were answered. I was calm, had a great time with the family and friends. And showed my kids, once again, that we can move past certain incidents, and move on. No matter the situation, we are bigger than our earthly challenges.

Afterwards I went to Tara's home, and unloaded a bookshelf I had restored / refurbished for her. I gave Tara a Mother's day gift, and explained I wouldn't be visiting again the Sunday. I spent some more time playing with the two bigger grandkids, and then went home.

So, all's well that ends well. Thanks for caring.

 So how to approach tomorrow - 09 May 2025

Tomorrow, 10th May 2025, I'm going to a small birthday party for my 3rd grandchild's first birthday! It's also the first time I'll be running into my ex since our latest fallout. I am going to ignore her completely, but if she even tries to start a conversation, or makes some comment, I will probably skin her alive - in front of the boys. She mustn't even think of bringing up the issue around the life policy, or the fact that I told her she's "entitled".

Tomorrow should be fun - however stressful for me, as I really don't like those kind of situations. If it wasn't my grand child's first birthday party, I wouldn't attend.

So tired of this shit,

 As for the rest of the day - 06 May 2025

Needless to say the events of the past few days, especially yesterday have left my with some serious anxiety. I'll have to dig out the "natural" meds again, as I know how fast this can get out of hand.

I'm really just so pissed off, and disappointed I suppose. Seriously, two steps ahead, and 3 backwards.

I also seem to be slipping in my faith - not that I don't have any, just that I'm not as excited as I have been, or should be about it. I have let the world get back into my head, and the gearbox is running again.

Not sure why, but I have to get back to where I was around 6 - 8 months ago.

Was in a much better space, and doing fine.

Fuck people, fuck those who think they are entitled to do as they please. They will get their rewards for sure.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post the details of my WhatsApp chat with the ex from last night.

Might make for interesting reading for someone out there - oh wait, this is a private blog. Good......

 Well that went as planned - NOT! 06 May 2025

Further to the issue with Luciano and finances; yesterday he called to ask me to see how much more credit I could get on my credit card. I had told him that if need be I will increase my limit to help him out. I said I would go online and see what I could do, but then asked him to contact his mother regarding the life policy number (i have a policy on her life which I have been paying to 20 years, but can't get a copy of the policy). I said it might have a cash value, which we can then cede and get the money to help him out.

He calls me back a few minutes later to say his mother has taken over the policy, and changed the beneficiaries to him and Giovanni! Well I lost it completely! And told him I would get legal advise on this, and if I'm right, I am going to sue her for all past payments!

A little while later I get a message from his mother about it. I tell her I wanted the number to put into a spreadsheet I have prepared for the kids - in case I die, they will have all the relevant information available - bank accounts, medical aid stuff, life policies, etc. But as she's taken it over it's now a mute point. But, I do tell her that she can't just do that, and that at least she could have let me know, or discussed it.

We had a long back and forth, but got no where. All that happened was I got seriously annoyed, to the pint where I had an anxiety attack!

I put it to bed - nothing I can do really - it was her policy which I paid for - and she probably has the right to change the debit order to her account, and change the beneficiaries.....

I did tell her that she acts like she's entitled, and that it wasn't right what she did.

And then this morning she sent another long message trying to explain her actions, bringing up shit from 20 years age, and saying that's her entitlement. Whatever, she's a lying, cheating bitch, and that's that. I didn't bother to respond.

Pity Luciano got caught up in this, as he's very sensitive to the situation, doesn't want his parents at war, even if we are divorced, but knows now that there is no more Mr. nice guy here. Future family events are going to be very strained......

Updated 07 May 2025

SO, thinking things through, and sleeping over the details, it dawned on me:-

The ex changed the beneficiaries on the policy in 2018 (from me to my sons), but never told me. Then, when I asked for a copy of the policy, she realized I would see that she had made the changes back then, and had never told me, and had let me keep on paying for another 7 years! SO her only way out was to take over the payments! Bitch! Got you again - lying cheating bitch!

 And in other news - 05 May 2025

On a different note, while having lunch with Giovanni, not sure how it came up, but I asked him how he felt about Luciano getting engaged to Tayla.

Surprise to me he said he wasn't sure she was the right one for Luciano. Strangely, I feel the same, and told him, with the add that I thought it was because I don't really know here that well.

Anyway, he did say that when they visited last time, he basically read them the riot act, making sure they understand the commitment, and how hard it is to have to make the decision he made to get divorced. As well as the devastation is causes!

Rich, coming from him!

So she comes from a very wealthy home. Also a divorced parents, and with a step-mom to boot. She's been very spoilt most of her life (from what I understand). I can see she has expensive taste, and my problem is that she might want to maintain this lifestyle. Unfortunately, Luciano is far from being able to do so.... which leaves me worrying that it might cause much strain to their relationship.

She's by no means lazy, she's a great cook, spoils him (and me), but she also has some expectations and I'm not sure Luciano is going to be up for them all the time.

He mentioned something about "How do you go from earning so much money to this?" I had an answer for him, but kept it to myself.

When he was earning wheel barrows of money, I told him not to spend so much, but rather put as much as he could away. But he got caught up in Giovanni's world - expensive accommodation, buying a new bakkie - cash - there was nothing wrong with his old one - loads of parties (mostly with the boys) where they would run a bill of a couple of thousand Rand a night, and then he would pick up the tab....

There was a lot of wasted cash..... and now he's feeling it. I feel for him, I really do know what he's going through, having been there before. I had a few escape routes which I took, and it helped me get back on my feet - kind of. He does not have any, he's stuck in his space, and only has a prayer to fall back on. I really do hope the future father-in-law comes to the party!

More on this as things develop.

 Luciano - 05 May 2025

On Saturday morning (03 May), I got a call from Luciano to say he's on his way to Gavin's workshop to sort out an electrical problem on his future father-in-law's Toyota Landcruiser. He asked if \I wanted to meet him there? (I saw later he had already sent me a message just after 7am to ask the same, but \I hadn't seen it). I said of course, and told him I would be there in a little while.

We arrive at the same time, the workshop is closed? Call Gavin, he's on his way to drop a truck off at the mechanic for repairs. I have remotes that open his workshop, so we open and go in. We check what's needed, realise the battery of the Cruiser is cooked, so get it jump started, and drive to the battery shop.

On the way his phone pings, and he looks at the message and says "Shit!" I ask, and he tells me his debit orders have gone though, but he does not have enough money in his account to cover them. Luckily, his bank won't bounce the debit orders, but they will flag his account for the future, which isn't good either way.

So I take out my phone, and offer to transfer some money to him. He's not really wanting me to, but knows he needs it, so agrees, and I transfer R5k into his account. Another ping on his phone, and he's in credit again., A small thing, but it helped. (Not like I can afford it, but that's a discussion for a different blog!)

Some background - Luciano resigned from his job a week or two ago. After 9 years, and doing very well, he's had enough. After Covid they really never recovered properly. He was in the Commercial and Industrial property business. Biggest business was leasing of office space. But with so many companies allowing their staff to work from home, they were either not moving, or worse still downscaling, so his business was really struggling. Further to this, his boss had bought out his two partners late November last year, and has since pulled the company though his arse, depending on a dictator style of management, which has cost him some of his better salespeople, and now also Luciano.

He has also pulled R2m out of the company since then (some to build a proper soccer practice pitch at his house for his son!), leaving them with little or no cashflow for advertising, etc. He will lose that business sooner rather than later - Stupid person!

Anyway, Luciano had spoken with his future father-in-law about this, and he was told that he would keep him financed to the tune of 100k a month till Luciano managed to get his own thing going. Great - no risk, no downside.

So back at the workshop, I ask him about this money, and my son turns his head away and bursts into tears. That killed me - he's my baby, and my son, and my wingman. He quickly composes himself, but I can se he's really scare, does not answer my question, and talks about the job at hand. All I could say was "You will be okay, have faith." I also let him know that if he needed it, I would raise my credit card limit and get him the money that way. Not sure how I'll manage the repayment, but that's a problem for later.

He's got himself in a bit of a pickle, what with getting engaged, moving into a house together which costs them more a month in rent than I earn in a month, still has his medical aid, probably a retirement policy of sorts - his monthly running costs are around R60k. He's maxed out 2 credit cards.... Ah, it's a royal fuckup!

But we keep praying, and hope it all works out. He's my boy.......

 Giovanni - 05 May 2025

Yesterday, although I always visit my grandchildren on Sunday, I decided to give it a skip. I had some stuff to do around the house, and decided to get it done.

After church I visited my mom, Then I was going home to put the first coat of varnish on a bookshelf I am refurbishing for Tara. Then the plan was to get lunch for myself and Gavin, who was working in his workshop. As I was busy varnishing, Giovanni sent me a message asking if I was visiting the kids. I said no, and told him why. He replied that he was at Silverstar casino (which is just down the road from me), and maybe I could stop bye to say hello. Great. Of course I would.

Let Gavin know I might not be getting lunch, and went down.

Giovanni was playing in a tournament there. There were 7 players left. Apparently the game had started the Friday night, but he had not let me know he was there. Didn't give me a reason why when I asked him.

I watched him play for a while, then went for a smoke in the smoking room. Back to watch again. When they were down to 4 players, I went for another smoke. And about 15 minutes later he called to say he was jointing me. They had got down to 3 players, and made a deal. 3 way split. That's always a good deal.

While chatting he asked if I wanted to get lunch, and I agreed.

We went to a nice Portuguese restaurant and ordered.

Then I opened the discussion around the divorce. It's a scary topic for me to discuss with him, as I don't want to alienate him, definitely don't want to get into an argument, but I really wanted to hear where he was at in his mind. I have had several candid discussions with Tara, and kind of know where she's at in all this mess.

He is still adamant there is no going back, and he did say he knows it's not what I want to hear. Then, saying he didn't want to bad talk Tara, he said he needed to give me some reasons why he felt so strongly about it, so that I would have a better understanding.

First thing he mentioned was that she had initiated this divorce discussion about 3 or four years back! That had caught him off guard, and was what led them to going to marriage counseling, and seeing therapists. But that didn't work. I asked what her reason was at the time, and \I think he answered me, but \I don't remember....pity.

He then went on to tell me that she (and her mom) had been stealing from him!!! That blew my mind.

Some background - her mom is devious (my opinion). She has always been a career woman, and wears the pants in their house. Tara's dad is a lazy sod. Tara was initially raised mainly by the maid, and then by tutors and au pairs - her mom was always working, or overseas for work, etc. That set a precedent for how she perceives children can be raised - but not what she and Giovanni had discussed and agreed on before they got married. Her mom has, apparently, continuously been pushing Tara to get a career - contrary to what she and Giovanni want, and this has also taken it's toll. Her mom was let go at her last post (some government job), and she has taken them to court. Over the years, there have been numerous court cases, which have cost a lot of money. Giovanni over the past 5 years has lent them R1.7m for legal fees! Anyway, I digress - So for some time Giovanni has noticed some payments / cash transfers on his account (he and Tara have a joint account, and he gets notifications on his cellphone. He didn't question them. Recently he found a Capitec bank card on the floor. (It's an expired one and they give them to the kids to play with). He picked it up, and asked who's it was, and got confirmation it's \Tara's mom's old card. The account number matches the number on the SMS's he has been receiving. SO she's been transferring money to her mom, probably to help out with day to day expenses, but never discussed it with \ Giovanni! He's also noticed that some of their furnishings, which they had in their home are missing, and has confirmed that Tara has sold these off - again without discussing it with Giovanni.

For him, the breakpoint is that he does not believe he can trust her again! She has said to him that she wants to get back with him, and she will sort this all out, and it won't happen again, etc. , but he does not know how he's ever going to trust her again.

I hear him, and understand more now. I did tell him that this won't change my relationship with her, for the kids sake, and he's okay with that. It will change, of course, but I am not going to mention it to her, nor will I change my way with her - but I will have it in the back of my mind. It made me realise that you can never make decisions based on one side of the story!

As for her mom, I'm not sure how to handle this, as I lay the blame squarely at her door for these events! Might just, at some point, drop the "We need to also consider how our actions have maybe been a factor in this broken marriage", and leave it at that. Again, I don't think I should get into it with her, as it will negatively affect my relationship with Tara. 

It was nice to spend time with Giovanni as we hadn't spoken for about 4 weeks. And that has left me very saddened. I'll make a point of keeping that door open from now on.

Getting back to Gavin later in the day I excitedly brought him up to date. That's when he decided to tell me that he had called Giovanni past Friday, to ask why he hasn't been in touch with me?!?!?

You see, sometime last week I had shared with Gavin that me and Giovanni hadn't spoken for a while, and \I wasn't happy about it. And that's why he made the call.

Which now leaves me thinking - Did Giovanni contact me because he wanted to, or as a result of his conversation with Gavin?

Nuff sed.....

 The aftermath of decisions

Changes in out lives, voluntary or not, tend to have after effects which go on for a long time, some even forever.

After my divorce in November 2015, I made a point of not wanting to see my ex again. And I didn't. Not until Giovanni got married on 31 August 2019.

When he and his wife to be came to tell me about the wedding, my first response, not properly thought through was "I can't be there!" at which he burst into tears. It was a matter of I know his mother will be there, and with her mastubator, and I was not going to manage that situation. I said I was sorry, and didn't mean it that way, and would get back to him.

The next day he called to say his mother had said she would go alone, but then I should too. Now, she was dictating to me, and that was bullshit - fact of the matter was if she had come with her other half, the wedding would have turned into a murder scene!

Anyway, I agreed. And the day came, I was nice to her, walked her into the chapel, stood by for the photos, and even took her for the first dance - you know the bride and groom open the floor, and then the parents join them - I did that.

But I kept my distance. When it was time to leave, I said my goodbyes, including her.

After that no more contact. Till we started having functions at my married sons house. She would often be up from the coast, and staying with him and his wife. So, if I attended, I'd see her. I made a conscious decision to be nice. Always greeted her on arrival, and said goodbye when leaving. Didn't get into any conversations with her over any topic. If she was sitting with other guests chatting, I found a different group to sit with. No malice, just not getting familiar or comfortable with the situation. I did it for my boys, setting an example. 

From a family point of view, her family had done what they always do in such a situation, they cut complete ties with the other party. 26 Years married, and all contact cut off overnight! Shows how deep their relationships go - nothing more shallow except sewerage water running over a tar road. I did keep contact with her mom - I visited her every Saturday at the old age home where she lived. We got on so well, and she would always remind me that no matter what, I would always be her son-in-law. She was a good person.

But I digress. Recently my son informed that he and his wife were getting divorced. This hit me like a double decker bus! Not what I wanted to hear. Anyway, we spoke about it a bit. One question I asked was "How are you going to manage with the 3 kids?". I have 3 grandchildren, 4, 2 and nearly 1. Oh, his mother offered to move in with him to help, or else, will come up every other week when he has the kids, to help! Really????? That's her solution? To enable him? Think about it, if this wasn't an option, then he would have had to think twice about his decision, and probably try a bit harder to fix the problems. But no, mom coming to help, that's sorts out any problem! Well, that pissed me off all over again! You never ever enable someone in that kind of situation. Be there for them, listen advise if you have any intelligent thing to offer (I don't think she has), but never enable!

Apart form this - I have made it very clear to my daughter (in-law), Tara, that my relationship with her will not change. And she is very appreciative of this. My sister has also made the same commitment, which is nice, but then I also didn't expect anything different from her.

I chatting with my daughter, she told me that my other son, Luciano, and his fiancé, and her mother-in-law had ceased any / all communication with her. For real? I felt such disappointment. Disappointed because Luciano and Tara had been so close - he was like a real brother to her. As for my ex, well, she showed her true colours, again. All nice whilst she's the daughter-in-law, but cut off communication the minute that the marriage is at risk, How fucked up is that?

In a chat with Tara about it, she asked, "So, if me and Giovanni manage to fix this, and don't get divorced, what then?". Then my dear, I replied, you treat them like they treating you now. You be courteous, but never let them into your inner circle - they just in laws, without relationship status!

How else should she treat them? Seriously, they have taken the typical family approach (the ex's family), and God willing Giovanni and Tara work this out - they will never again have a normal relationship with Tara.

I took Luciano on about it, and he a million excuses, none of which fly by me, and then I told him he was just like his mother. He stood up to me, in her defense - Good for him for that - but wrong move doing it against me. I explained to him how her fucked up family had done the same in every other instance where there was a divorce in the family, and now again to Tara. If agreed with that, then We would have nothing more to talk about - I made sure he understood my level of disappointment.

Regarding the title of this post - The aftermath in this case is a wider gap between family members who are supposed to be looking out for each other, who should give some value to relationships, but who ultimately will find themselves apart from those who really matter.

 

 Sunday, 26 April 2025 - "Day after reconciliation?"

I'm not sure this is the right title, but it's my blog, my  decision :). After my divorce, my brother, (nearly 10 years younger than me), decided he would rather have a relationship with my ex and her mastubator, than with me. And that's where our relationship ended. No problem for me then, as I was in turmoil, having lost my wife, after 26 years married, my relationship with my brother was not high on the list of must have's / must salvage. In fact, next time we "spoke" was also at Giovanni's wedding. After that, only when we had a birthday function for my mom, if he came up for it. Very cool, just hello, how are you ...and move on.

Again, it didn't phase me, and I didn't stress the fact. It was so obvious that he wasn't about to change his mind though, as even though he would come twice a year to visit my mom, meaning he would be 1.5km from my home, for around 4 or 5 days at a time, he wouldn't even let me know he was here, never mind come and see me! Again, no skin off my teeth.

My sister (bless her) is always trying to restore family ties, and had on several occasions asked me if  I had tried to contact him. No was the honest answer, and I explained that it actually didn't matter to me.

Anyway, he came up again this past week - got here Easter Monday, and stayed till Friday afternoon. No contact. My sister informed me that she would be having lunch with him and his wife on Friday at around 12. Would I want to join them? Ahh, no, and I'm at work till 2 pm anyway. She said, well if they still at the lunch at 2, she would let me know, and I could joint them for coffee maybe? I said I would see how things went.....

Friday 12h30, I let the staff leave early, as it's payday, they were unfairly stressed by getting paid late, and I'm tired! I don't contact my sister. She calls at 2. Am I coming? I wasn't planning to, but just reply b asking if they were expecting me, and she confirmed that they were. So I went.

He's looking good, as is his wife. We had a civil chat, mostly about his grandchildren, and mine - they had been to visit mine, I think it's the first time ever they have gone to visit at the house.

And then they left, as they were driving to his brother-in-law to sleep over before the drive home the next day. My sister was very chuffed with the situation, and even thanked me for turning up.

My opinion, it was nice to see them, see that he's fine. But other than that, I'm not going to make any big moves to rebuild our past. He's still supporting the losing team, which means I don't need them in my life.

That's life - at least I have blood friends who mean more to me, and who care more for me.

 Sunday, 06 April 2025

After church, I decided to stop in and see Arianna. As usual, always a nice visit - she's very calm, has good advice, and makes me think twice about some things I want to do, and which I share with her.

Anyway, my plan was to go and see the grandchildren from there, but had received a message the day before from Tara saying they were going out for the day - No problem. Then I also wanted to fit the safety stuff onto the golf cart - have put that off for a few months and wanted to get it done.

Went to Luciano, as he offered to help me, if I helped him put up an awning over their back door. No problem, have done a few of the before and know it's not a big job.

My intention was to tell / instruct him to make good with Tara. Arianna convinced me that I shouldn't. We both knew that would be a big breaking point in my relationship with Luciano, and as it was, I had already told him a few weeks ago that I was not happy with the way he had handled the situation with her. After all, she is the mother of his nieces and nephew, and would be around for many years to come- How did he propose to handle things from now on?

The plan was eating away at me, and causing me to have sleepless nights, with a hint of depression creeping in again.

Anyway, so I didn't have that chat with him, and we got all the chores done, and I went home much calmer than I would have I suppose. And that night I slept well. The emotional feeling binned for now.

Probably a good thing that I didn't push the issue - he's an adult and must make his own choices.

(Written on Tue. 8th April)

 03 April 2025

Last night I got a message from Giovanni, inviting me to dinner on Friday for his birthday. Luciano, Tayla, the kids, and his mother will be there. I thanked him for the invite, but declined. I'd love to go, but really don't need to be in the company of his mother. So, I miss out, again.

I know it's my decision, but it is what it is.

This is causing me to have an internal struggle. My belief tells me to forgive. In my mind (and I hope my heart) I have, but that does not mean I have to keep company with those who have hurt me, and who I think are a bad influence on those close to me.

The boys have moved on, and accept the situation for what it is. I still feel at times that I am only included because it's the right thing to do. If so, that sucks. If I'm wrong, well, my loss I suppose.

I will get to see the grand children on Sunday. If he's home, I will go and see Giovanni as well. His mother would probably have left by then. And after that I will go past Luciano and Tayla, and have the chat with him about apologizing to Tara, and trying to repair their relationship.

I don't think he's going to agree to do that, but whatever, I'm not going to make it a discussion. I'm telling him what I expect, and if he agrees, good, if not, I'm saying my goodbye's and leaving. This will not be an opportunity for him to take me on again. Next time he tries that, I' leave for good.

The downside is that even if he agrees, I don't know how Tara will react. She's been hurt, and abandoned, and after her comment last Sunday about not wanting to be part of my family anymore, it might be too little too late.

Ultimately, I think all external players in this fiasco, apart from myself and my sister, have reacted poorly, made very bad decisions, and have brought this to a point where there is probably no possibility for a reconciliation. And that hurts.

 Monday, 31 March 2025

This was a difficult weekend.

From Friday, and especially on Saturday, I was stressing because of the fact that I have not heard from Giovanni for 4 weeks. My heart was telling me to call / message him, but I didn't. I also knew his mother was visiting, so didn't want to just drive through to see him. Saturday was a long hard day. I also considered cancelling going to the Celebration lunch on Sunday, as I felt I wasn't going to fit in anyway. But I didn't, as I had told Luciano I would be there for him. Sometime Saturday he calls me to say it's a fancy restaurant, and I can't just wear a T-Shirt as I usually do. No problem I say, I'll wear a shirt. Kind of felt like the "step parent who needs to be included" again. 

Anyway, Come Sunday morning, and I ditch the customary jeans for a paid of Chino's, and don a beautiful blue pinstripes long sleeved shirt, and exchange the slops for a nice pair of leather black shoes. I look like I'm on my way to a wedding/ or funeral! Damn, but I clean up well!

I'm first the the venue, so get a seat at the bar and order my usual. About 15 minutes later, the prospective in-laws arrive. I have only met them once before, the day Luciano and Tayla moved in together, and that day I had long hair, was sweating like a stuck pig, and was covered in sawdust from modifying their headboard! Not a good first impression, but who cares!

This time round, I was looking proper! And felt good about it. We chatted a bit, then Luciano, Tayla, Giovanni and their mother arrived. A big hello, kiss and long hug from Giovanni says he missed me / isn't ignoring me / doing what's expected from him! Pick one - I'm going for missed me. A hello from Luciano, a long hug from Tayla. And nothing from their mother.

Now for a bit of background - since the divorce, I have made a point of it to be friendly to their mother. Whenever we have been at the same place (one of their houses for a function) I have always gone over and greeted her. I wanted to show my boys the right thing to do. But yesterday I thought, let's see if she comes to say hello, she did arrive after me after all.

Nothing - no surprise though. She obviously knows my opinion around their  decision to cut all ties with Giovanni's wife, and so I fall into the same category now. No problem, I look like a million bucks, she looks like shit! Go figure!

After the lunch, which ended late, Luciano, Tayla, and the boys mother had to ride with me as Giovanni had left earlier, and they had travelled together. As I was going in the right direction to visit my grandchildren and daughter-in-law, it was okay.

Arrived safe, said goodbye to Luciano and Tayla, and she couldn't even say thanks for the ride. No problem, I do what I do. Be the better person they said!

At Tara's house the kids were already bathed and ready for bed, but when Nonno arrives, all the rules get broken! So, they wanted something to snack on, we kicked ball around the yard a bit, Tara was not in a good space, and when I asked what's wrong she started to cry. This makes me so mad. Said she had not had a good day.

Chatting a bit later, she said that after what's been going on, she feels she can't be part of my family anymore. This stuck deep into my heart, but I told her I understand - and I do. Luciano and Tayla and her mother-in-law have had no contact with her since Tara and Giovanni separated. Basically, like their mothers family tend to do, they have picked sides, and only managed to fuck up more than was broken already. Because even though Tara was trying to work on reconciling, now she feels she shouldn't, as she does not want those people in her life anymore. Way to go - fucking morons! I have kept up my relationship with Tara, as she is my daughter, and the mother of my grandchildren. My sister has done the same. Why do these other morons think they better then her, or the right thing to do is to cut her off? Fuck, what are they going to do when Giovanni goes to Las Vegas in a few weeks time for 8 weeks? By rights, she doesn't  have to let her kids go anywhere, not the boys mother, not to Luciano, nothing. And that will drive a bigger wedge between them.

They think they clever. this shit is going to come back to bite them bad!

Today I sent a message to Luciano telling him we have to talk. I am again going to address this issue with him, and tell him I expect him to contact Tara, apologise for cutting her off, and see if he can restore some semblance of a family relationship. I expect he's going to push back and refuse, at which time I will have to make some serious decisions of my own with regards my relationship with my sons.

This is going to be a big storm for sure.

The new in-laws to be, Giovanni, and stuff

Got a message from Luciano today saying Tayla's dad is having an engagement lunch for them on Sunday 30th March, and I'm invited. Thought about it, and replied, sounds good, I'll be there, Thanks. It will also be only the second time I meet this guy, and my son is engaged to his daughter!

An hour or so later he called. We chatted about the rain, the sewerage running into the dam at Waterfall Estate, his job, their new puppy.

Then, he told me that his future father-in-law had also invited my ex. And he felt he needed to tell me as he understood that things are not too great right now.

On the basis that he did call to tell me, and not leave it to be a surprise, I told him I would be there, for him!

We also discussed Giovanni. And the fact that I haven't heard from him for 4 or 5 weeks. He said he's also struggling to get with him, so, seems he's very busy. Go figure.

It's been a while

It's been probably 4 or even 6 weeks since I spoke to Giovanni. He's not contacting me, and knows I don't make calls as I never know when he's available. So, looks like this is going south fast. And, as discussed with someone else somewhere else, how do you go back from this. I think he's always been more partial towards his mother, and no problem with that. But not keeping contact with me, not acceptable. This probably stems from when I told him I was done with him, and he's reading into it exactly that. Along with his regular contact with his mother, well, that's a recipe for disaster for our relationship for sure.

It would seem that because I am keeping a good relationship with Tara, I am now one of the outsiders.

So be it - time will tell.

Miss you so much Giovanni, but you make the calls, I just fit in with them........

Is it just me, or was this a hasty decision

So, Luciano and his lady went to the Kruger national park this last weekend. It was a surprise for him for his birthday (he turned 32 on Sunday 23 March).

Before he left, he called me:- "I don't know why I feel I have to tell you this, but I bought a ring, and am going to surprise her by proposing sometime this weekend!".

I don't know why I feel I have to tell you this....Well, maybe because I'm your father, and should know such stuff, and not get side blinded like the rest of the world! That's what I thought, didn't say it - I told him congrats........

So he did. And, of course, she said yes. So why this post about this event?

Well, although they moved in together last November, he hasn't l known her for am year yet. Yup, that's right, not 12 months. So, I think this is a bit premature. I know the romantics out there are going to say "When you know, you know", but.....

I do know that his lady was pushing to get married. This does worry me a bit. Why the hurry? It's not like she's getting close to the end of her breeding life, she's quite a few years younger than him. And, as his brother is currently going through a possible divorce, after 3 kids and 5 years, you would think he would want to be sure? 

Anyway, he's asked, and it's been answered. Now onto the planning for the wedding - lucky, all I need to do is turn up. Knowing this lady, it's going to be a big, grand, very expensive affair...... Lucky her daddy is well off, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Time will tell I suppose....

Status report - Where I am right now

Late last year Giovanni (my oldest son) informed me that him and Tara (his wife) were getting divorced. This came as a surprise to me. I had felt that things were not all okay, but put it down to financial struggles, and typical young married couple issues. Boy was I wrong.

One day I was visiting, and without warning, his mother turned up, and I wasn't impressed. I contacted Luciano (my other son) to see if I could go by his place, and was told "Sorry, I have Tayla's dad coming for lunch." So, no. At the same time I hear their mother telling my granddaughter that she's not staying for lunch, as she's been invited for lunch at Luciano's house!

Well, that was me, done! I said my goodbyes, and left.

Giovanni called me 6 times in succession, I ignored each call. On his 7th attempt, I took the call, and lambasted him.

I think all of the events had just built up too much, and he took the brunt of the outburst. I told him that I was done with him and his brother. While on this call, Luciano also tried to call me, so it was evident that Giovanni had called him to tell him I had left suddenly, and I wasn't taking his calls. I wasn't interested in their shit anymore, and called it a day! And I cut the call!

I also helped both Giovani and Tara move into their separate new homes, helped Luciano and Tayla move into their new joint home. I helped sort out / repair the flat where Tayla was living. Dad's always available to help.

But:-

The thing with this is as follows:- In December they had gone to Ballito for a few weeks with her dad. They were back for 4 days, and then off to Mauritius for 2 weeks, with her dad. No problem. During the 4 days home, they had time to visit her mom for lunch, but didn't have time to see me.

After they got back, all I got was a "Home safely Dad". Then nothing, till Wednesday evening, when I got a call to say "Dad, can you help me with the Volvo's breaks!"

So, You can't visit me, you can't call to chat and tell me how your island trip went, but you can call to ask for help with the car! Nice.

It's become the norm for me to visit my grandchildren every Sunday, and so I continued with this.

After helping them with their move into 2 separate homes, I continued to visit every Sunday, to see my grandchildren.

So after my outburst on the phone, Luciano and Tayla turn up for a visit, that evening. We didn't talk too much about the issues, as she wasn't feeling well, and he didn't want to get into it with me in front of her. He did say he would see me again on Tuesday, as he was coming through to a meeting nearby.

That visit I stunned him. He was trying to defend his brothers actions, and not winning with me. I let him go on for a while, then stunned him with "I am done with both of you, not just your brother"!

His expression told me that he had not heard that part from his brother. On asking why, I explained the "4 days home no visit" situation. He had an excuse for that- and I'll let it pass. He had no excuse for not calling me when they gat back from their island holiday. And as for the day I called and was told "Sorry, we have Tayla's dad coming", and his mother, he gave me a crap excuse that he had arranged it with his brother who was supposed to tell me but didn't and I left before he could. CRAP! If he had invited me, he would have said so in his response to my request. Didn't buy that one!

Since all of the above, I have "restored" my relationship with the boys.

On a Sunday, when visiting the little ones, I had a long talk to Tara. She's taking strain, and still believes that their marriage can be saved. I'm glad she wants to at least try and resolve their issues.

Also, I have heard conflicting stuff from her, my sister who has met with both Tara and Giovanni (individually) and Luciano.

One thing she mentioned was that since the separation, neither Luciano or Tayla have contacted her. In fact, neither has her mother-in-law. But the last one does not surprise me. It's in their family trait. I'll explain later.

Leaving there, I went by Luciano's house. At some point I asked them why they were not speaking to Tara. And shit got real. He jumper up all defensive, making statements, telling me what she's done, etc. Don't need to expand. I said I was disappointed, as said he was just like his mother, to which he raised his voice in her defense. Tayla said he shouldn't scream at his dad, he replied, "Don't worry, it's how we talk"! Wrong. We both do go from zero to moer strip in a split second, but not with me.

(Now I have given that "defense of this mother" much thought and have conclude that it might have been a very noble thing to defend his other, but a very stupid thing to do against me)!

I explained :-

When their girl cousin (on their mothers side) divorced her hubby (she had been cheating on him), her whole family cut him off, even though they share 2 children.

When their boy cousin (on their mothers side) divorced his wife (he had been cheating on her), her whole family cut her off, even though they share 2 children!

When their mother divorced me (she had been cheating for who knows how long), her whole family (except my mom-in-law) cut me off!

And now, he, Tayla and his mother are cutting Tar off!

So, the above is kind of a "where I am now" status report. More to follow.

 This page will be private for now

I'm thinking maybe posts about my feelings around my kids, my two sons, my daughter-in-law, my three grandchildren, and my soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

Stuff is happening that has left me in a strange space.

I'm not angry, maybe disappointed. I'm not being consulted. My silence is not being heard. 

I have changed some actions and activities, and not received any feedback on them.

Staring to feel like a step parent here, one who just has to be accommodated for the sake of  peace.

Maybe