Monday, 12 May 2025 - The feedback story

Further to my last post, I got up Saturday feeling okay. Had a shower, decided to have a shave, and trimmed the moustache. Then I went for a haircut.

Looking and feeling much better, I left for the party. On the way I said my prayers, as I usually do, and asked God to still my mind, and control my anxiety and be with me.

First frustration was at the gates to the complex. I have access as a permanent visitor via an app, which decided to not work anymore. It took me nearly 20 minutes to get in, and only after asking Luciano to send me an invite.

Get to the clubhouse where the party is taking place, and I see I arrived at the same time as Tara, my daughter (in-law), and my grandkids! Great, she carries the baby, her dad carries the box of stuff, I walk with my two bigger grandchildren, holding their hands, one on either side, and I feel like a million bucks! 

We get to the table, and no one else is there. Now it's like 5 to 11, party starts at 11. Go figure. Eventually Giovanni arrives with his mother in tow. I'm calm, relaxed. No greetings exchanged. But all good. Then Luciano arrived with Tayla. And slowly the others invited. Not a lot of us, I think about 10 adults and my 3 grandchildren, and one other boy. We order drinks, stand / sit around chatting. At some point the ex is holding the baby, and something was irritating her, to I mention it to the ex, and she sorted it out. Yup, I spoke to her, and it was okay.

A little later, I had to aske her again to do something for the baby, and she did. No problem.

We ordered meals, all ate, had the sing song, ate cake, sat around chatting, etc. The ex was first to leave, don't know why, and she went around the table saying her goodbyes, and as she passed behind me the bumped my arm and said "Bye", and walked on. I said bye. And that was it.

My prayers were answered. I was calm, had a great time with the family and friends. And showed my kids, once again, that we can move past certain incidents, and move on. No matter the situation, we are bigger than our earthly challenges.

Afterwards I went to Tara's home, and unloaded a bookshelf I had restored / refurbished for her. I gave Tara a Mother's day gift, and explained I wouldn't be visiting again the Sunday. I spent some more time playing with the two bigger grandkids, and then went home.

So, all's well that ends well. Thanks for caring.

 So how to approach tomorrow - 09 May 2025

Tomorrow, 10th May 2025, I'm going to a small birthday party for my 3rd grandchild's first birthday! It's also the first time I'll be running into my ex since our latest fallout. I am going to ignore her completely, but if she even tries to start a conversation, or makes some comment, I will probably skin her alive - in front of the boys. She mustn't even think of bringing up the issue around the life policy, or the fact that I told her she's "entitled".

Tomorrow should be fun - however stressful for me, as I really don't like those kind of situations. If it wasn't my grand child's first birthday party, I wouldn't attend.

So tired of this shit,

 As for the rest of the day - 06 May 2025

Needless to say the events of the past few days, especially yesterday have left my with some serious anxiety. I'll have to dig out the "natural" meds again, as I know how fast this can get out of hand.

I'm really just so pissed off, and disappointed I suppose. Seriously, two steps ahead, and 3 backwards.

I also seem to be slipping in my faith - not that I don't have any, just that I'm not as excited as I have been, or should be about it. I have let the world get back into my head, and the gearbox is running again.

Not sure why, but I have to get back to where I was around 6 - 8 months ago.

Was in a much better space, and doing fine.

Fuck people, fuck those who think they are entitled to do as they please. They will get their rewards for sure.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post the details of my WhatsApp chat with the ex from last night.

Might make for interesting reading for someone out there - oh wait, this is a private blog. Good......

 Well that went as planned - NOT! 06 May 2025

Further to the issue with Luciano and finances; yesterday he called to ask me to see how much more credit I could get on my credit card. I had told him that if need be I will increase my limit to help him out. I said I would go online and see what I could do, but then asked him to contact his mother regarding the life policy number (i have a policy on her life which I have been paying to 20 years, but can't get a copy of the policy). I said it might have a cash value, which we can then cede and get the money to help him out.

He calls me back a few minutes later to say his mother has taken over the policy, and changed the beneficiaries to him and Giovanni! Well I lost it completely! And told him I would get legal advise on this, and if I'm right, I am going to sue her for all past payments!

A little while later I get a message from his mother about it. I tell her I wanted the number to put into a spreadsheet I have prepared for the kids - in case I die, they will have all the relevant information available - bank accounts, medical aid stuff, life policies, etc. But as she's taken it over it's now a mute point. But, I do tell her that she can't just do that, and that at least she could have let me know, or discussed it.

We had a long back and forth, but got no where. All that happened was I got seriously annoyed, to the pint where I had an anxiety attack!

I put it to bed - nothing I can do really - it was her policy which I paid for - and she probably has the right to change the debit order to her account, and change the beneficiaries.....

I did tell her that she acts like she's entitled, and that it wasn't right what she did.

And then this morning she sent another long message trying to explain her actions, bringing up shit from 20 years age, and saying that's her entitlement. Whatever, she's a lying, cheating bitch, and that's that. I didn't bother to respond.

Pity Luciano got caught up in this, as he's very sensitive to the situation, doesn't want his parents at war, even if we are divorced, but knows now that there is no more Mr. nice guy here. Future family events are going to be very strained......

Updated 07 May 2025

SO, thinking things through, and sleeping over the details, it dawned on me:-

The ex changed the beneficiaries on the policy in 2018 (from me to my sons), but never told me. Then, when I asked for a copy of the policy, she realized I would see that she had made the changes back then, and had never told me, and had let me keep on paying for another 7 years! SO her only way out was to take over the payments! Bitch! Got you again - lying cheating bitch!

 And in other news - 05 May 2025

On a different note, while having lunch with Giovanni, not sure how it came up, but I asked him how he felt about Luciano getting engaged to Tayla.

Surprise to me he said he wasn't sure she was the right one for Luciano. Strangely, I feel the same, and told him, with the add that I thought it was because I don't really know here that well.

Anyway, he did say that when they visited last time, he basically read them the riot act, making sure they understand the commitment, and how hard it is to have to make the decision he made to get divorced. As well as the devastation is causes!

Rich, coming from him!

So she comes from a very wealthy home. Also a divorced parents, and with a step-mom to boot. She's been very spoilt most of her life (from what I understand). I can see she has expensive taste, and my problem is that she might want to maintain this lifestyle. Unfortunately, Luciano is far from being able to do so.... which leaves me worrying that it might cause much strain to their relationship.

She's by no means lazy, she's a great cook, spoils him (and me), but she also has some expectations and I'm not sure Luciano is going to be up for them all the time.

He mentioned something about "How do you go from earning so much money to this?" I had an answer for him, but kept it to myself.

When he was earning wheel barrows of money, I told him not to spend so much, but rather put as much as he could away. But he got caught up in Giovanni's world - expensive accommodation, buying a new bakkie - cash - there was nothing wrong with his old one - loads of parties (mostly with the boys) where they would run a bill of a couple of thousand Rand a night, and then he would pick up the tab....

There was a lot of wasted cash..... and now he's feeling it. I feel for him, I really do know what he's going through, having been there before. I had a few escape routes which I took, and it helped me get back on my feet - kind of. He does not have any, he's stuck in his space, and only has a prayer to fall back on. I really do hope the future father-in-law comes to the party!

More on this as things develop.

 Luciano - 05 May 2025

On Saturday morning (03 May), I got a call from Luciano to say he's on his way to Gavin's workshop to sort out an electrical problem on his future father-in-law's Toyota Landcruiser. He asked if \I wanted to meet him there? (I saw later he had already sent me a message just after 7am to ask the same, but \I hadn't seen it). I said of course, and told him I would be there in a little while.

We arrive at the same time, the workshop is closed? Call Gavin, he's on his way to drop a truck off at the mechanic for repairs. I have remotes that open his workshop, so we open and go in. We check what's needed, realise the battery of the Cruiser is cooked, so get it jump started, and drive to the battery shop.

On the way his phone pings, and he looks at the message and says "Shit!" I ask, and he tells me his debit orders have gone though, but he does not have enough money in his account to cover them. Luckily, his bank won't bounce the debit orders, but they will flag his account for the future, which isn't good either way.

So I take out my phone, and offer to transfer some money to him. He's not really wanting me to, but knows he needs it, so agrees, and I transfer R5k into his account. Another ping on his phone, and he's in credit again., A small thing, but it helped. (Not like I can afford it, but that's a discussion for a different blog!)

Some background - Luciano resigned from his job a week or two ago. After 9 years, and doing very well, he's had enough. After Covid they really never recovered properly. He was in the Commercial and Industrial property business. Biggest business was leasing of office space. But with so many companies allowing their staff to work from home, they were either not moving, or worse still downscaling, so his business was really struggling. Further to this, his boss had bought out his two partners late November last year, and has since pulled the company though his arse, depending on a dictator style of management, which has cost him some of his better salespeople, and now also Luciano.

He has also pulled R2m out of the company since then (some to build a proper soccer practice pitch at his house for his son!), leaving them with little or no cashflow for advertising, etc. He will lose that business sooner rather than later - Stupid person!

Anyway, Luciano had spoken with his future father-in-law about this, and he was told that he would keep him financed to the tune of 100k a month till Luciano managed to get his own thing going. Great - no risk, no downside.

So back at the workshop, I ask him about this money, and my son turns his head away and bursts into tears. That killed me - he's my baby, and my son, and my wingman. He quickly composes himself, but I can se he's really scare, does not answer my question, and talks about the job at hand. All I could say was "You will be okay, have faith." I also let him know that if he needed it, I would raise my credit card limit and get him the money that way. Not sure how I'll manage the repayment, but that's a problem for later.

He's got himself in a bit of a pickle, what with getting engaged, moving into a house together which costs them more a month in rent than I earn in a month, still has his medical aid, probably a retirement policy of sorts - his monthly running costs are around R60k. He's maxed out 2 credit cards.... Ah, it's a royal fuckup!

But we keep praying, and hope it all works out. He's my boy.......

 Giovanni - 05 May 2025

Yesterday, although I always visit my grandchildren on Sunday, I decided to give it a skip. I had some stuff to do around the house, and decided to get it done.

After church I visited my mom, Then I was going home to put the first coat of varnish on a bookshelf I am refurbishing for Tara. Then the plan was to get lunch for myself and Gavin, who was working in his workshop. As I was busy varnishing, Giovanni sent me a message asking if I was visiting the kids. I said no, and told him why. He replied that he was at Silverstar casino (which is just down the road from me), and maybe I could stop bye to say hello. Great. Of course I would.

Let Gavin know I might not be getting lunch, and went down.

Giovanni was playing in a tournament there. There were 7 players left. Apparently the game had started the Friday night, but he had not let me know he was there. Didn't give me a reason why when I asked him.

I watched him play for a while, then went for a smoke in the smoking room. Back to watch again. When they were down to 4 players, I went for another smoke. And about 15 minutes later he called to say he was jointing me. They had got down to 3 players, and made a deal. 3 way split. That's always a good deal.

While chatting he asked if I wanted to get lunch, and I agreed.

We went to a nice Portuguese restaurant and ordered.

Then I opened the discussion around the divorce. It's a scary topic for me to discuss with him, as I don't want to alienate him, definitely don't want to get into an argument, but I really wanted to hear where he was at in his mind. I have had several candid discussions with Tara, and kind of know where she's at in all this mess.

He is still adamant there is no going back, and he did say he knows it's not what I want to hear. Then, saying he didn't want to bad talk Tara, he said he needed to give me some reasons why he felt so strongly about it, so that I would have a better understanding.

First thing he mentioned was that she had initiated this divorce discussion about 3 or four years back! That had caught him off guard, and was what led them to going to marriage counseling, and seeing therapists. But that didn't work. I asked what her reason was at the time, and \I think he answered me, but \I don't remember....pity.

He then went on to tell me that she (and her mom) had been stealing from him!!! That blew my mind.

Some background - her mom is devious (my opinion). She has always been a career woman, and wears the pants in their house. Tara's dad is a lazy sod. Tara was initially raised mainly by the maid, and then by tutors and au pairs - her mom was always working, or overseas for work, etc. That set a precedent for how she perceives children can be raised - but not what she and Giovanni had discussed and agreed on before they got married. Her mom has, apparently, continuously been pushing Tara to get a career - contrary to what she and Giovanni want, and this has also taken it's toll. Her mom was let go at her last post (some government job), and she has taken them to court. Over the years, there have been numerous court cases, which have cost a lot of money. Giovanni over the past 5 years has lent them R1.7m for legal fees! Anyway, I digress - So for some time Giovanni has noticed some payments / cash transfers on his account (he and Tara have a joint account, and he gets notifications on his cellphone. He didn't question them. Recently he found a Capitec bank card on the floor. (It's an expired one and they give them to the kids to play with). He picked it up, and asked who's it was, and got confirmation it's \Tara's mom's old card. The account number matches the number on the SMS's he has been receiving. SO she's been transferring money to her mom, probably to help out with day to day expenses, but never discussed it with \ Giovanni! He's also noticed that some of their furnishings, which they had in their home are missing, and has confirmed that Tara has sold these off - again without discussing it with Giovanni.

For him, the breakpoint is that he does not believe he can trust her again! She has said to him that she wants to get back with him, and she will sort this all out, and it won't happen again, etc. , but he does not know how he's ever going to trust her again.

I hear him, and understand more now. I did tell him that this won't change my relationship with her, for the kids sake, and he's okay with that. It will change, of course, but I am not going to mention it to her, nor will I change my way with her - but I will have it in the back of my mind. It made me realise that you can never make decisions based on one side of the story!

As for her mom, I'm not sure how to handle this, as I lay the blame squarely at her door for these events! Might just, at some point, drop the "We need to also consider how our actions have maybe been a factor in this broken marriage", and leave it at that. Again, I don't think I should get into it with her, as it will negatively affect my relationship with Tara. 

It was nice to spend time with Giovanni as we hadn't spoken for about 4 weeks. And that has left me very saddened. I'll make a point of keeping that door open from now on.

Getting back to Gavin later in the day I excitedly brought him up to date. That's when he decided to tell me that he had called Giovanni past Friday, to ask why he hasn't been in touch with me?!?!?

You see, sometime last week I had shared with Gavin that me and Giovanni hadn't spoken for a while, and \I wasn't happy about it. And that's why he made the call.

Which now leaves me thinking - Did Giovanni contact me because he wanted to, or as a result of his conversation with Gavin?

Nuff sed.....