The aftermath of decisions

Changes in out lives, voluntary or not, tend to have after effects which go on for a long time, some even forever.

After my divorce in November 2015, I made a point of not wanting to see my ex again. And I didn't. Not until Giovanni got married on 31 August 2019.

When he and his wife to be came to tell me about the wedding, my first response, not properly thought through was "I can't be there!" at which he burst into tears. It was a matter of I know his mother will be there, and with her mastubator, and I was not going to manage that situation. I said I was sorry, and didn't mean it that way, and would get back to him.

The next day he called to say his mother had said she would go alone, but then I should too. Now, she was dictating to me, and that was bullshit - fact of the matter was if she had come with her other half, the wedding would have turned into a murder scene!

Anyway, I agreed. And the day came, I was nice to her, walked her into the chapel, stood by for the photos, and even took her for the first dance - you know the bride and groom open the floor, and then the parents join them - I did that.

But I kept my distance. When it was time to leave, I said my goodbyes, including her.

After that no more contact. Till we started having functions at my married sons house. She would often be up from the coast, and staying with him and his wife. So, if I attended, I'd see her. I made a conscious decision to be nice. Always greeted her on arrival, and said goodbye when leaving. Didn't get into any conversations with her over any topic. If she was sitting with other guests chatting, I found a different group to sit with. No malice, just not getting familiar or comfortable with the situation. I did it for my boys, setting an example. 

From a family point of view, her family had done what they always do in such a situation, they cut complete ties with the other party. 26 Years married, and all contact cut off overnight! Shows how deep their relationships go - nothing more shallow except sewerage water running over a tar road. I did keep contact with her mom - I visited her every Saturday at the old age home where she lived. We got on so well, and she would always remind me that no matter what, I would always be her son-in-law. She was a good person.

But I digress. Recently my son informed that he and his wife were getting divorced. This hit me like a double decker bus! Not what I wanted to hear. Anyway, we spoke about it a bit. One question I asked was "How are you going to manage with the 3 kids?". I have 3 grandchildren, 4, 2 and nearly 1. Oh, his mother offered to move in with him to help, or else, will come up every other week when he has the kids, to help! Really????? That's her solution? To enable him? Think about it, if this wasn't an option, then he would have had to think twice about his decision, and probably try a bit harder to fix the problems. But no, mom coming to help, that's sorts out any problem! Well, that pissed me off all over again! You never ever enable someone in that kind of situation. Be there for them, listen advise if you have any intelligent thing to offer (I don't think she has), but never enable!

Apart form this - I have made it very clear to my daughter (in-law), Tara, that my relationship with her will not change. And she is very appreciative of this. My sister has also made the same commitment, which is nice, but then I also didn't expect anything different from her.

I chatting with my daughter, she told me that my other son, Luciano, and his fiancé, and her mother-in-law had ceased any / all communication with her. For real? I felt such disappointment. Disappointed because Luciano and Tara had been so close - he was like a real brother to her. As for my ex, well, she showed her true colours, again. All nice whilst she's the daughter-in-law, but cut off communication the minute that the marriage is at risk, How fucked up is that?

In a chat with Tara about it, she asked, "So, if me and Giovanni manage to fix this, and don't get divorced, what then?". Then my dear, I replied, you treat them like they treating you now. You be courteous, but never let them into your inner circle - they just in laws, without relationship status!

How else should she treat them? Seriously, they have taken the typical family approach (the ex's family), and God willing Giovanni and Tara work this out - they will never again have a normal relationship with Tara.

I took Luciano on about it, and he a million excuses, none of which fly by me, and then I told him he was just like his mother. He stood up to me, in her defense - Good for him for that - but wrong move doing it against me. I explained to him how her fucked up family had done the same in every other instance where there was a divorce in the family, and now again to Tara. If agreed with that, then We would have nothing more to talk about - I made sure he understood my level of disappointment.

Regarding the title of this post - The aftermath in this case is a wider gap between family members who are supposed to be looking out for each other, who should give some value to relationships, but who ultimately will find themselves apart from those who really matter.

 

 Sunday, 26 April 2025 - "Day after reconciliation?"

I'm not sure this is the right title, but it's my blog, my  decision :). After my divorce, my brother, (nearly 10 years younger than me), decided he would rather have a relationship with my ex and her mastubator, than with me. And that's where our relationship ended. No problem for me then, as I was in turmoil, having lost my wife, after 26 years married, my relationship with my brother was not high on the list of must have's / must salvage. In fact, next time we "spoke" was also at Giovanni's wedding. After that, only when we had a birthday function for my mom, if he came up for it. Very cool, just hello, how are you ...and move on.

Again, it didn't phase me, and I didn't stress the fact. It was so obvious that he wasn't about to change his mind though, as even though he would come twice a year to visit my mom, meaning he would be 1.5km from my home, for around 4 or 5 days at a time, he wouldn't even let me know he was here, never mind come and see me! Again, no skin off my teeth.

My sister (bless her) is always trying to restore family ties, and had on several occasions asked me if  I had tried to contact him. No was the honest answer, and I explained that it actually didn't matter to me.

Anyway, he came up again this past week - got here Easter Monday, and stayed till Friday afternoon. No contact. My sister informed me that she would be having lunch with him and his wife on Friday at around 12. Would I want to join them? Ahh, no, and I'm at work till 2 pm anyway. She said, well if they still at the lunch at 2, she would let me know, and I could joint them for coffee maybe? I said I would see how things went.....

Friday 12h30, I let the staff leave early, as it's payday, they were unfairly stressed by getting paid late, and I'm tired! I don't contact my sister. She calls at 2. Am I coming? I wasn't planning to, but just reply b asking if they were expecting me, and she confirmed that they were. So I went.

He's looking good, as is his wife. We had a civil chat, mostly about his grandchildren, and mine - they had been to visit mine, I think it's the first time ever they have gone to visit at the house.

And then they left, as they were driving to his brother-in-law to sleep over before the drive home the next day. My sister was very chuffed with the situation, and even thanked me for turning up.

My opinion, it was nice to see them, see that he's fine. But other than that, I'm not going to make any big moves to rebuild our past. He's still supporting the losing team, which means I don't need them in my life.

That's life - at least I have blood friends who mean more to me, and who care more for me.

 Sunday, 06 April 2025

After church, I decided to stop in and see Arianna. As usual, always a nice visit - she's very calm, has good advice, and makes me think twice about some things I want to do, and which I share with her.

Anyway, my plan was to go and see the grandchildren from there, but had received a message the day before from Tara saying they were going out for the day - No problem. Then I also wanted to fit the safety stuff onto the golf cart - have put that off for a few months and wanted to get it done.

Went to Luciano, as he offered to help me, if I helped him put up an awning over their back door. No problem, have done a few of the before and know it's not a big job.

My intention was to tell / instruct him to make good with Tara. Arianna convinced me that I shouldn't. We both knew that would be a big breaking point in my relationship with Luciano, and as it was, I had already told him a few weeks ago that I was not happy with the way he had handled the situation with her. After all, she is the mother of his nieces and nephew, and would be around for many years to come- How did he propose to handle things from now on?

The plan was eating away at me, and causing me to have sleepless nights, with a hint of depression creeping in again.

Anyway, so I didn't have that chat with him, and we got all the chores done, and I went home much calmer than I would have I suppose. And that night I slept well. The emotional feeling binned for now.

Probably a good thing that I didn't push the issue - he's an adult and must make his own choices.

(Written on Tue. 8th April)

 03 April 2025

Last night I got a message from Giovanni, inviting me to dinner on Friday for his birthday. Luciano, Tayla, the kids, and his mother will be there. I thanked him for the invite, but declined. I'd love to go, but really don't need to be in the company of his mother. So, I miss out, again.

I know it's my decision, but it is what it is.

This is causing me to have an internal struggle. My belief tells me to forgive. In my mind (and I hope my heart) I have, but that does not mean I have to keep company with those who have hurt me, and who I think are a bad influence on those close to me.

The boys have moved on, and accept the situation for what it is. I still feel at times that I am only included because it's the right thing to do. If so, that sucks. If I'm wrong, well, my loss I suppose.

I will get to see the grand children on Sunday. If he's home, I will go and see Giovanni as well. His mother would probably have left by then. And after that I will go past Luciano and Tayla, and have the chat with him about apologizing to Tara, and trying to repair their relationship.

I don't think he's going to agree to do that, but whatever, I'm not going to make it a discussion. I'm telling him what I expect, and if he agrees, good, if not, I'm saying my goodbye's and leaving. This will not be an opportunity for him to take me on again. Next time he tries that, I' leave for good.

The downside is that even if he agrees, I don't know how Tara will react. She's been hurt, and abandoned, and after her comment last Sunday about not wanting to be part of my family anymore, it might be too little too late.

Ultimately, I think all external players in this fiasco, apart from myself and my sister, have reacted poorly, made very bad decisions, and have brought this to a point where there is probably no possibility for a reconciliation. And that hurts.