The aftermath of decisions

Changes in out lives, voluntary or not, tend to have after effects which go on for a long time, some even forever.

After my divorce in November 2015, I made a point of not wanting to see my ex again. And I didn't. Not until Giovanni got married on 31 August 2019.

When he and his wife to be came to tell me about the wedding, my first response, not properly thought through was "I can't be there!" at which he burst into tears. It was a matter of I know his mother will be there, and with her mastubator, and I was not going to manage that situation. I said I was sorry, and didn't mean it that way, and would get back to him.

The next day he called to say his mother had said she would go alone, but then I should too. Now, she was dictating to me, and that was bullshit - fact of the matter was if she had come with her other half, the wedding would have turned into a murder scene!

Anyway, I agreed. And the day came, I was nice to her, walked her into the chapel, stood by for the photos, and even took her for the first dance - you know the bride and groom open the floor, and then the parents join them - I did that.

But I kept my distance. When it was time to leave, I said my goodbyes, including her.

After that no more contact. Till we started having functions at my married sons house. She would often be up from the coast, and staying with him and his wife. So, if I attended, I'd see her. I made a conscious decision to be nice. Always greeted her on arrival, and said goodbye when leaving. Didn't get into any conversations with her over any topic. If she was sitting with other guests chatting, I found a different group to sit with. No malice, just not getting familiar or comfortable with the situation. I did it for my boys, setting an example. 

From a family point of view, her family had done what they always do in such a situation, they cut complete ties with the other party. 26 Years married, and all contact cut off overnight! Shows how deep their relationships go - nothing more shallow except sewerage water running over a tar road. I did keep contact with her mom - I visited her every Saturday at the old age home where she lived. We got on so well, and she would always remind me that no matter what, I would always be her son-in-law. She was a good person.

But I digress. Recently my son informed that he and his wife were getting divorced. This hit me like a double decker bus! Not what I wanted to hear. Anyway, we spoke about it a bit. One question I asked was "How are you going to manage with the 3 kids?". I have 3 grandchildren, 4, 2 and nearly 1. Oh, his mother offered to move in with him to help, or else, will come up every other week when he has the kids, to help! Really????? That's her solution? To enable him? Think about it, if this wasn't an option, then he would have had to think twice about his decision, and probably try a bit harder to fix the problems. But no, mom coming to help, that's sorts out any problem! Well, that pissed me off all over again! You never ever enable someone in that kind of situation. Be there for them, listen advise if you have any intelligent thing to offer (I don't think she has), but never enable!

Apart form this - I have made it very clear to my daughter (in-law), Tara, that my relationship with her will not change. And she is very appreciative of this. My sister has also made the same commitment, which is nice, but then I also didn't expect anything different from her.

I chatting with my daughter, she told me that my other son, Luciano, and his fiancé, and her mother-in-law had ceased any / all communication with her. For real? I felt such disappointment. Disappointed because Luciano and Tara had been so close - he was like a real brother to her. As for my ex, well, she showed her true colours, again. All nice whilst she's the daughter-in-law, but cut off communication the minute that the marriage is at risk, How fucked up is that?

In a chat with Tara about it, she asked, "So, if me and Giovanni manage to fix this, and don't get divorced, what then?". Then my dear, I replied, you treat them like they treating you now. You be courteous, but never let them into your inner circle - they just in laws, without relationship status!

How else should she treat them? Seriously, they have taken the typical family approach (the ex's family), and God willing Giovanni and Tara work this out - they will never again have a normal relationship with Tara.

I took Luciano on about it, and he a million excuses, none of which fly by me, and then I told him he was just like his mother. He stood up to me, in her defense - Good for him for that - but wrong move doing it against me. I explained to him how her fucked up family had done the same in every other instance where there was a divorce in the family, and now again to Tara. If agreed with that, then We would have nothing more to talk about - I made sure he understood my level of disappointment.

Regarding the title of this post - The aftermath in this case is a wider gap between family members who are supposed to be looking out for each other, who should give some value to relationships, but who ultimately will find themselves apart from those who really matter.